Fail to Fight (Lessons in Love Book 1) Read online

  Fail to Fight

  Lessons in Love - Book One

  Maci Dillon

  Love fails, only when we fail to love. ~ J. Franklin.

  Cover designed by Letitia Hasser

  RBA Designs

  Editing by Trish Bacher

  Editor in Heels

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  WARNING:

  For mature audiences 18+

  Contains adult sexual situations and language.

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2016 Maci Dillon

  Published by LLEP Media Services

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, including electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Maci Dillon is in no way affiliated with any brands, songs, musicians or artists mentioned in this book.

  This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return it to the seller and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author’s work.

  *

  All efforts have been made to ensure the use of correct grammar and punctuation in the book. If you do find any errors please e-mail Maci Dillon at [email protected].

  Thank you.

  Dedication

  For M & J

  To an epic love, too great for this world. May this story bring the closure you both desire.

  Now, I ask you not to condemn the man I loved without knowing all the details.

  What he did was inexcusable and unforgettable, yes, but I wanted to forgive.

  What I struggled with was why he left me scared and broken without a fight.

  Prologue

  “From every wound, there is a scar, and every scar tells a story.” ~ Unknown

  Chloe

  10 Years Ago - February 2006

  I fought against the fogginess in my head as consciousness began to stir. The energy it took to pry my eyes open almost sent me back into a world of darkness. If not for the blinding light glaring at me through my closed lids, I would have thought I was dead.

  Was this the end? Is this what it felt like to be trapped between life, or heaven and hell? A few moments pass before I become aware of sounds trickling in, invading my mind. People murmured in the distance, so many voices, but I couldn’t make out a single word, couldn’t see anybody.

  Where the fuck was I?

  I continued to force my eyes open despite the pain. Slowly I began to feel more than throbbing behind my eyelids. My head threatens to split open in multiple places, I could hear screaming all around, and my face pounded in agony.

  Hands reach across me and bodies come into view as my own body thrashes around the bed. Fear wells up inside me, my heart ached but I didn’t know why.

  “Jamie, Jamie!” The screams grow louder, and whoever Jamie is, he is nowhere to be seen or heard. My body felt like splintered wood, breaking beneath the many hands now touching it.

  My bleary vision blurred their faces, but I could tell they were trying to speak to me, soothe me. Yet all I could hear were urgent cries for Jamie. It wasn’t long before I recognized those screams belonged to me. I was crying out for Jamie, the last person I remembered seeing before I was knocked unconscious by the man I loved.

  Will.

  I needed him so badly, but he never came.

  What I didn't know is that he had come for me, but he was made to leave. All I knew at the time was that he was gone and I never had a chance to say goodbye. Without a goodbye, there had been no closure, and without closure, there was no moving on.

  Chapter One ~ Longing

  “saudade ~ a nostalgic longing for something or someone that was loved and then lost, with the knowledge that it or they might never return; ‘the love that remains’.”

  Will

  Present Day

  I sat rigid with nerves, unsure if making the call was even the right thing to do. With each second the ringer sounded, half of me hoped for her to pick up, the other half secretly willed the call to continue unanswered.

  For the third time in as many days, the message bank fielded my attempt to make contact. Desperate to hear her voice, I waited. My finger ready over the end call button.

  “Hi, you’ve reached Chloe Lee, please leave a message, and if you’re lucky, I’ll be in touch.”

  Lightning fast reflexes terminated the call before the beep, beep, beep.

  A grin spread across my face at the sound of playfulness in her voice. If I left a message, would she phone me back? That is the ultimate question. One I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer to.

  I was clueless as to what I might say if she answered, so leaving a message was out of the question. How does one start a conversation with an ex they’ve not spoken to or laid eyes on for ten years?

  Few days had passed over the years where I hadn’t pondered this, imagined an exchange of words, a single glance or wondered what it would feel like. My heart ached at the thought.

  It hurt that I had to question the feeling instead of feel it. Hurt more that it was my fault I didn’t wake up to her every fucking morning, feel her wrapped in my arms and know that my promises all those years ago had meant something.

  They had. I promised her the world and I meant every fucking word I said. My promises meant everything to me. But I failed us. I failed Chloe.

  Mindlessly, I rubbed at my naked ring finger, evaluating my need to see her again, thinking of the first time we met. She blew me away with her smile from the other side of the room.

  I smiled at the memory.

  Chloe sure knew how to light up a room.

  I was working for a local company in a medium-sized country town in Australia’s southeast. It was our company’s Christmas party, and Chloe’s father was our newest member of the sales team. Everything changed for me when she walked in with her family.

  I was never one to believe in love at first sight, but the attraction was instant. Once we were introduced and I recovered my tongue, mesmerized by the way her eyes held me captive, I spent most of the night trying to learn everything I could about her.

  It was the night of our Christmas party the following year when I told Chloe’s father I was in love with her. I was given a stern warning and a stiff arm to the jaw for my honesty.

  But I knew what I wanted.

  I wanted Chloe.

  A knock sounded at the door.

  I looked up and summoned Martha, my office manager, into my office with a casual flick of the hand.

  “Sir, I’m sorry to interrupt,” Martha apologizes; her shoulders taut and fingers fidgeting wildly at her sides.

  “What is it, Martha? Please, take a seat,” I offered, rounding my desk to pull out a chair. A simple action, an attempt to relieve the awkwardness of whatever brought her here.

  Martha nodded, accepting my offer and took a seat right on the edge of the chair, in flight position, her eyes marking out a quick escape route.

  “Relax, Martha. Whatever you need, I don’t
bite.” I grinned at her and she noticeably sank further into the chair.

  I leaned against the edge of my desk, my hands relaxed in my pockets and waited patiently for her to speak.

  “Sir, Christmas is only a month away, we are short staffed, and the phone is ringing off the hook.”

  My brows pull together, confused at her statement. Was there a question?

  “Okay,” I answer hesitantly.

  Martha was in her mid-fifties, a brilliant office manager and had been with me since I started out on my own in early 2010. She’s my go-to person for all my business stuff, my sounding board.

  Awkward conversation is not something we were accustomed to.

  “What do you need from me, Martha? Should we hire a temp to get us through the busy period?” Sales at this time of year in Australia were off the charts. As soon as it starts to heat up, everyone decides they can’t live without air-conditioning for another summer. It happens every year.

  I knew managing all the accounts was a full-time job for Martha. Our company closes for a few weeks each Christmas/New Year period and all statements need to be sent and settled where possible before the break.

  She hesitates a moment, her glance directed at the floor in front of her.

  I wait, unsure how to proceed.

  “No, Sir,” she began, slowly bringing her eyes to me. “I need you to have your wife, err…your estranged wife…” She corrected, “…contact you directly and stop calling the office.”

  Shit. That’s all I needed.

  Amanda knew not to call the office unless it was urgent. Personal stuff stayed at home. I guess now we had separate houses, that was more difficult. Avoiding her calls over the past few weeks certainly hasn’t helped the situation.

  “Or perhaps you could answer any one of the many calls she makes to you each day then maybe she might stop interrupting me at work, Sir.”

  It was a fair point.

  “Martha, I’m sorry, I had no idea Amanda was calling the office.” I raked my hands through my coarse hair in frustration.

  “Constantly, all the time,” she added.

  All I had to offer was an apology. I attempted to smooth things over with Martha by promising there would be no more calls. Now I would have to call Amanda to make sure that happened.

  “Amanda is frustrated that you won’t answer or return her calls. Can’t you please just contact her?” Martha stood and moved toward the door before she turned. “I don’t know what happened, but this separation of yours is ruining my ability to work efficiently. It’s been months now.” With that, Martha exited the office.

  Fuck it all to hell.

  I sat and stared at the door long after she’d walked out and pulled it shut behind her. I was lost for words.

  Angry.

  I love my wife, I honestly do, but I knew in my heart that I’d always been in love with another woman. Amanda knew it too. It had been a popular topic of discussion over the years. My lack of presence even when I was with her, my secret yearning for a love I once had. It was inevitable that Amanda would tire of the charade.

  Was I sorry?

  Of course, I wish I could have been a better husband. But sorry? No. I couldn’t have been any different if I tried. My heart was elsewhere. I wish I could let it go, God knows I’ve tried, but closure wasn’t a luxury afforded to us. Maybe if we’d had some closure things would be different. Who knows?

  It had been ten months since Amanda moved out. I came home to a note and half the belongings within the house gone. I’d been so distracted I never knew it was coming.

  Her note was simple and to the point.

  Will,

  Until you put to bed what keeps you awake at night, I’m done. Find her, do what you need and if you decide I’m still the one for you, I’ll be at my mother’s holiday house.

  Amanda xx

  The note fucking gutted me. Made me realize what an ass I’d been, but I couldn’t bring myself to make any attempt to fix it. Not until I came face-to-face with what my heart had always desired.

  Chloe.

  If only I could get her to answer my calls.

  Chapter Two ~ A Forever Kind of Love

  “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more; that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.” ~ Unknown

  Chloe

  Ten Years Ago - November 2005

  The buzzer sounds, gates open and the familiar melody of hooves galloping up the hard, dirt track fill the air. The adrenaline pumped through the crowd, the sun shone high above, and the wind swirled beneath the skirt of my dress, expanding it out to dangerously high levels.

  I was young, too young to be drinking in public, but with Will by my side, nobody cared. Will was somewhat of a local celebrity in certain circles; people either wanted to be him or feared him. Others simply looked up to him. He was the football star of the town, known for his on and off field strength and aggression. Dressed in dark denim jeans and his signature long sleeve, checkered, button up dress shirt, the cuffs folded back and the fabric molded perfectly around his broad frame. At his side, I felt invincible.

  We had been dating only a few months when we moved in together, but it seemed like years. Ten years Will’s junior, I was surprised by the acceptance of his family and friends, quickly becoming part of their world. I loved my life and the freedom he allowed me to feel.

  Cheering and drunken curses from those who’d likely wagered more than they made in a week, drifted across the track, adding to the excitement of the race. Arms flailing, fists pumping the air, shouts of encouragement toward their favorite horse, I watched in amusement as I stood, beer in hand, wrapped in the arms of a man I knew I was born to love.

  The past few months had been the best of my life so far, with many promises of what was yet to come. On my left hand, I proudly wore Will’s promise of forever. I’ll never forget the night he proposed, it was unexpected and wrapped in the kind of romance I’d come to believe only happened in movies.

  Ocean breeze whistled through the trees onto the semi enclosed deck. The sun setting behind us, the ocean directly before us and a glorious seafood cuisine laid out in front of us at one of the Sunshine Coast’s most elite five star restaurants. The waiter appears, refills our wine glasses and asks, “Is there anything else I may get for you, Sir? Madam?”

  Will quietly ushers him away, tucking some bills into the slip of his waiter’s apron. “That will be all, thank you, Sanjeet.” The small Indian man nods and scurries away.

  “It’s beautiful here, Will. You’ve spoiled me again.” I smile at him, appreciating the thought he always puts into our dates. Staying in the resort next door, Will made the perfect choice with Agape’s. I loved being by the ocean, and knowing we could walk from our table directly onto the beach, to our own private oasis, was blissfully beautiful. “I’m looking forward to a moonlit stroll along the beach when we’re done here,” I admitted.

  Cracking open the sweet, juicy crab to share, Will brings a small piece of the succulent meat to my mouth. “And you’ll get your wish, little one. But first, I have plans for you.”

  I lick my lips, savoring the flavor of the fresh crab. “Oh?” I ask, my interest piqued.

  “If tonight isn’t the greatest night of your life, then I’m doing it all wrong,” Will added, picking up his glass of wine, prompting me to do the same.

  It was easy to reassure him. “Every night with you is the greatest night of my life, Will. You could never disappoint.”

  “You don’t know how happy it makes me to hear that.” He raises his glass to mine in a toast. “Here’s to us, Chloe. A great love and a happily ever after.” We clink our glasses. “To us, forever,” I added as we sipped our wine in unison.

  We continued to feed each other until the majority of the fresh seafood platter is demolished and we are uncomfortably full.

  A gentleman in a suit stops by our table to whisper
something in Will’s ear. He nods, thanks him and stands to offer me his hand. “Come, little one, it’s time to walk,” he says, with a smile that reached his eyes.

  Reaching the step at the edge of the sand, Will bends over to remove my strappy gold sandals from my feet. Gently, he caresses each of my feet as he releases them one by one into the cool silkiness of the sand. He quickly shrugs out of his, and hand in hand we walk toward the water. The moon sparkled brightly above the horizon, highlighting the crest of each wave. My hair whipped wildly in different directions as I broke from Will’s grip and started to run along the water’s edge, holding my knee length, olive sun dress high to avoid getting wet. Will chased after me, the splash from each of his steps reaching further up the backs of my legs, giving me a chill.

  I slowed and came to a stop when I saw the flicker of candles on the beach a little way ahead. “Will, I think we should turn back,” I say, pointing toward the candlelight. “I don’t want to interrupt someone’s special moment.”

  Will laughs and without warning, picks me up. He cradles me in his arms like a feather light baby and walks directly toward the open, but seemingly private, area. “What if I told you this was to be our special moment, Chloe?”

  My eyes widen in shock and take in the surroundings as we get closer. Candles in tall glass pillars are laid out in a large circle around a double outdoor sofa and a small, round table draped with a white cloth. A myriad of chocolate covered desserts were displayed on top of the table with two glasses and a wine cooler in the center. A golden heart perched beside it was surrounded in red rose petals. A blanket arranged in the middle of the area, covered with pillows and cushions of various sizes. Exquisite.

  “Oh my God, Will,” I whisper in disbelief. “You organized this for us?”